Service

    Practicing service is a difficult thing to do willfully. Marriage is good at forcing you to do it no matter what, every minute of the day. I believe it was designed this way; and for this reason it is very important to know that before going into it. But I digress, service is an integral part of the Christian life. It is what binds us together; showing humility and care to one another through the one whom we strive to serve and become: Jesus Christ. But this, as with all things, is easier said than done.
    The best way to start serving another is to simply ask what they need. For many people, myself included, even this step is difficult. Asking to serve someone is, in actuality, putting yourself literally at a lower position than you usually see yourself, and raising that person above you in order to humbly help them. Pride is a big proponent of serving others, because serving others requires humility. I have learned this the long, hard way.
    So, the best way to begin serving is to, first, have a humble heart. Truly see yourself as lesser for Christ’s sake, so that nothing may hinder the level of servant hood you portray to that person. Second, ask! Everyone has needs, and most are too prideful to admit to it. Humility and servant-based questions can weed that out and help further advance the Kingdom in amazing ways. Serving is the number one way to show humility and, ultimately, Christ likeness.

Your Will, or His?

Do you know what it is to be a Christian? In essence, it means giving yourself up completely to Christ. In more ways than one: your belief, your worldview, your actions, your thoughts, ambitions, plans, hopes, goals, and very character must be a willing living sacrifice. You must die to yourself in order to live. Sounds completely logical right? Bear with me. It is said that Christians die to themselves. I believe we do, but so do non-Christians. But how can this be? This is how: we each die according to our will. Christians die to their natural selves, their sinful flesh and selfishness. This is because they want God’s will to be done. Non-Christians do the opposite, they want their will to be done. They die to their spiritual selves instead, never realizing what they have done. They feel no remorse. God graciously gives us this freedom of choice. Missing the mark is called sin.
    As Singh explained, “For instance, a thief who is stealing and hoarding things as a means of happiness is not only missing his happiness, but by his acts of theft is destroying the very capacity for it. That capacity is deadened by his sinful conduct. And if he loses the sense of the sinfulness of theft and his consience does not feel remorse, he has already committed spiritual suicide. He has not only killed the capacity but has killed the soul which had the capacity.” The thief died to his other self, the wrong self. This is a tragic thing, and too often they realize it too late, if at all.
    So, we may desire the will of God, but how do we find out what it is? Isn’t it hard enough to figure out our own? Well the will, the plan, of God is not something to be figured out. Wrong question. Singh elaborates eloquently, “A scientist had a bird in his hand. He saw that it had life, and, wanting to find out in what part of the bird’s body the life was, he began dissecting the bird…those who try to understand the inner life merely intellectually will meet with a similar failure.” In other words, don’t kill the bird. Don’t dissect God. You can’t do it an yield the results you desire. Trust in Him, will His will, and love His love.

Studying God

    There is a difference between Bible study and Bible devotionals. This may seem obvious to you; but to me it is something I seem to either miss entirely, or somehow try to combine the two. I do no think it is necessarily a bad thing to getting both at once; however, they are both unique and should be practiced as such. Bible study deals primarily with learning about God through His Word, whereas devotionals focus on cultivating a personal relationship to God through His Word. Unfortunately, I tend to gravitate more towards Bible study than devotionals. Why is this? I think it has something to do with my mostly intellectual nature; being a man of proof and thought, rather than of faith and deep relation. I wish I was not like this. Yet, this is how I was made. And that is good.
    I believe what I need to work on is not literally study God’s word, as I usually do, but to migrate away from that into simply a study of God. I need to probe not his words to find meaning and thought and evidence in them; I need to probe those words as He were speaking directly to me, revealing his very nature, conversing with me on a deeper level than that of mere education. But how can this be done? It is difficult to focus on your heart purposely, almost impossibly for me. So how can someone like me do this?
    I think that maybe the best way to focus on devotional reading, a study of God’s nature and relationship to me, is to plainly stop thinking so much. There is only so much my mind can understand; therefore, quite logically, there is only so much more that my heart may understand! Because where the mind drops off, the heart picks up; and it is there where I need to be. I need to step out of the realm of mere academics and theology of God and cross into the threshold of His presence, conversation, and love.

Reading the Bible

    Why is it so hard for people to read the Holy Bible; worse yet, why is it so difficult for some people to take the Scriptures seriously? Well, first of all, it is just a book. Right? Besides, there are plenty of divine writings out there that we have all heard of; and fiction does a good job of making them seem common and fantastical. Yet these stories, and certainly actual self-proclaimed ‘holy’ books, all stem from a source. That source is a true, real, and living divine word of God. The Bible. The Bible is so hard to read because we look at it merely as a book with human words; extremely old, human words, for that matter. Well, obviously! This is how God made himself known to us, and certainly the most understandable way he could become revealed in our insignificant, naïve minds! Is not the paradox apparent? What is worse, is that it did not work, and He actually had to send His Son; to put the Word into flesh, to help understand the love and wrath, and presence of God. The Bible is crucially important to a Christian.
    In order to stay in the word, we must read the word. Habitually. The best way to do that is…do it. There is no way around it. Just read it! A lot. Practice being in the word a lot. As often and as long as you possibly can. It is the word of God. How could you not become engrossed in it at all times; confused by the mysteries of his love, humbled by the depth of his grace, or dumbstruck by the immensity of His presence? Do not be proud-hearted.  As E. Stanley Jones said about the Bible, “It is God interpreting himself to us.” And, as Dr. Howard Atwood Kelly put it, “The Bible vindicates itself because it is such excellent medicine. It has never failed to cure a single patient if only he took his prescription honestly” (italics added for emphasis). The Bible is not merely a book, it is not even a religious book; and it is most certainly not an ancient fairytale. Its truths are universal; its language, convicting; its message, loving; its very existence, revelation!
    So, when you read the Bible, your Bible, sit down and pour yourself into it. But not as you were pouring all your despair, hate, insecurity, or sin into a pitcher to be pitched away. When you pour yourself into scripture, it is more like a well, and it pours back. It is a refiner, it can help you produce the good fruit required of us. E. Stanley Jones suggests we “sit down every day and go over these seven things and ask yourself if you are adding them to your basic faith -- virtue, knowledge, self-control, steadfastness, godliness, brotherly affection, and love.” Indeed, how can we possibly even know what these things really are, let alone learn how to practice them, if we do not consult the rule book on creation, the very word of God?

Making God's Presence Habitual

    I hope, in all certainty, that we can agree that there is indeed a God who is omnipresent, everywhere at all times. Well, as it turns out, that’s the easy part. The harder part is actually realizing it and living it out as he were consistently behind you and within you; watching every action you make, listening to every word you speak, guiding your every step, reading into your very deepest thoughts. Nowhere is safe, not even the darkest recesses of your past sin. They cannot be hidden; they must be taken away, because God can surely see them.
    But how can we practice the presence of God? We are merely humans. We can hardly grasp the concept of such a big being; but God did give us an imagination. As Brother Lawrence practiced, “Sometimes I imagined myself standing before him as a poor criminal at the feet of the judge. At other times I beheld him in my heart as my Father and as my God. I worshipped him as often as I could, keeping my mind in his holy presence and recalling it back to God as often as I found it had wandered from him.” This is indeed quite a feat to accomplish for a day, let alone a habit to maintain for a lifetime.
    What I often attempt to do is picture Jesus, God in the form of man (to better make his presence realistic to such a rationalistic and skeptical mind such as mine), like a parent behind my shoulder, spying on my every move. Is this the right way to go about it? It might stop me from saying that hurtful joke, or stop me from making a silly mistake, but is it really practicing God’s presence? “I have found in many books different ways of going to God and many different practices in living the spiritual life. I began to see that this was only confusing me…Thus, I resolved to give my all for God’s all.” I think Brother Lawrence got it right here. To practice God’s presence, we must discipline ourselves into a mind set of an omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscient God who loves us and deeply longs for us to return it.

Fasting

  What is fasting, anyway? It may seem a strange and foreign practice to anyone looking at it from an outside perspective. And I dare say, it is quite a strange occurrence; practicing the purposeful non-consumption of food? Why in the world would anyone do that? We need it to survive! Ironically, people who ask that question don’t realize the answer actually doesn’t even lie in this world. When we fast it is not for any purpose or goal that is in this world. No, fasting is gauged upwards.
    So why do it? Fasting is a purposeful act, a physical declaration, stating that the adherent does not actually need what he is abstaining from to survive; in other words, something is more important to them than food. Moreover, it does not have to be food every time. When we fast it must be for something that pains us to be rid of for a period of time, to shock us into reality the instability of our human bodies and inexorable dependence on God. Fasting is an act of humility and surrender.
    But what is the true purpose of fasting? When we are to fast, we are to hide it. This might seem strange as well, but it is also a sign of humility that causes us not to boast in the trial we are going through. The fast is not for the sake of the fast; if you make it that way, you will certainly have your reward paid in full. No, the fast is not for the sake of the fast, it is for the sake of Christ. Fasting can bring you closer to God, and that is the purpose of any spiritual discipline.

The Life of a Monk

Can you imagine, right now, what it would be like to live a day in the life of a medieval monk? Perhaps a small vision of what it might be like? Let me assist you in your imagining. Picture this. Living in a monastery, completely apart from the outside world; wrapped in silence, work, and prayer. Day after day. Harsh discipline for any action or word not within the bounds of priory rules. Not to mention toiling all day, hard physical labor in order to provide for yourself, community, and poor; in between long periods of intense prayer. Where every couple of hours you were required to pray, as it was your job; because for them, work and prayer were virtually synonymous.

            I found this quite daunting, almost impossible actually. Especially with the way my life is currently structured. Marriage, work, school, there seems to be little time left over for prayer. Let alone fixed-hour prayer, where at the same time every day, to the minute, I must stop to pray. To be quite honest, I failed horribly this week. In an attempt to explain without seeming too excuse-seeking, I feel like I have a lot more on my proverbial plate than the average medieval (or present day, for that matter) monk.

            Being a monk is totally voluntary. I tried my hand at it for a time, but ultimately I have chosen a different path in my Christian maturity: marriage (among other things, of course). Fixed-hour prayer takes lots of discipline, hard work, and time. Yes, it would be nice to leave this busy world and hide away in monastery in complete silence with God. However, this is not me. And the world changes. I tried my hand at it for a week, and have developed a deep respect for it. I intend to revisit the practice often. It had taught me self-control and humility, and has more well-rounded my view of Christian practices. What’s more, it taught me that not only was I not wasting my time; its that it was never mine to begin with.

Think Feel Will

Why is it always so hard to talk to God, to pray? According to Evelyn Underhill, there are three faculties to which every human being operates; the thinking faculty, the feeling faculty, and the willing faculty.  When we are faced with the world (people and events), we think, we feel, and we will, in that successive order, to obtain or express the desired result or reaction. Thinking, reasoning, logic, seem to be the things at which we are all best at doing, without making any attempt to go deeper, when it comes to God. This thinking part of us leads to a brick wall of unbelief and selfish pride in most instances. What needs to occur is a complete demolition of this wall by the power of our emotion and willpower to reach greater relationship with Him.
    However, there is only so far intellect and thinking can go when it comes to God. We are, after all, created beings with diminutive knowledge and a sinful host of physical and spiritual limitations. Thinking, intellect, knowledge about God is only the first step. As Ruysbroeck said, “Where the intellect must stay without, these may enter in.” These of course meaning emotion and will. We must first feel the need to go deeper, that is the hard part. It is so difficult for us to be in control of our feelings, especially in a wholesome way. Seemingly impossible. But once the feeling to grow closer to God grows, once the emotion is there, unable to be contained any longer, it rubs another brick wall. The will.
    Emotion, not unlike thinking, can only go so far as well. Willing something is the hardest part of all. Unlike God, we cannot will things into being. We cannot breathe out stars or create life without breaking a sweat, we cannot even will ourselves to think or feel something half the time. This is why self-discipline is so difficult for us. Yet the will is the most powerful tool that we have, once trained. Since it is so powerful, so much more does it require. It must be more, because it is so much harder to control than our thinking and feeling.
    My goal, our challenge, would be to not let skeptical intellect, or unconvinced feelings beat around our will. The will needs to be powerful and in charge, it needs to rule over our very thoughts and emotions, which are wholly human. But we must first travel through the trials of our thinking and feeling to get to that point. Because unlike our thinking and feeling that can be almost entirely prideful and self-seeking; our will can be used for the greatest good, and with the most divine motives. And once we cultivate the power of our will, we will no longer hit any brick walls. We will hit mountains. And then we will move them.

Rule for Life

When I think of having my own personal rules for life, I first think of the Law of Moses. How it was given to the Israelites by God through Moses, and how despicably they had failed in upholding it. I think having rules in your own life are good. But it should also be taken into account the impossibility of ever accomplishing them to their fullest extent as they were meant to be. There, of course, can be no greater law than the Law of Moses. Or can there be?
    For there is a new law in place now. One that we as Christians take up as our guide. This is the Law of Christ, through the great counselor the Holy Spirit. This new law gives us capabilities of making our own rules for life, in that we have the ability to discern and decide what is right and what is wrong. We no longer need the law of Moses. We have the words of Jesus. So, what rules can we adopt according to this?
    The best way I can think of forging my own personalized rules for life (based on my personality and struggles), is to mimic the life of Jesus. Humility, servant hood, kindness, and all the practical steps that go along with it. To be slow to anger, and hopefully never anger at all. To speak gently and wholesomely. To think not less of myself but of myself less. But, to put this in perspective; it is not I who am crafting my own rules so I can be a better person, it is actually Christ working through me to bring glory to his Father, through the law his very own nature and Spirit.

Glimpsing God

    I think I know why people don’t believe in God. You can believe that something isn’t unless you have some proof that it is.  Yet, why is it so difficult to believe that something is, if you have no proof that it is? We are afraid of what we cannot see, of the unknown. In point of fact, we are afraid of things higher than us. In our selfish nature we are number one. The possibility that there might be something so much bigger than your very being, your entire life, is impossible to grasp. And because you have the choice whether to see it or not; we most likely choose to ignore it. From my observation, I find it so odd when people go out of their way to state explicitly that they don’t believe in God. I don’t believe in pink unicorns, but I don’t make brash statements about it. Of course you don’t believe in pink unicorns, there is no need to disclaim that. I just find it interesting that people do this; in the very act of denying him, they imply his existence. But this is either here nor there.
    I still do this frequently. I can easily tune God out. I cant see him, feel him, hear him, or know him if I don’t want to at any particular moment. It’s so much easier to ignore people than to get to know them isn’t it? The same goes with God. Why is it that we don’t want to have a relationship with him? Sure, we can learn about him all we want, but how many actually try to cultivate a relationship with him? Why do you find it necessary to find out as much as you can about him before you talk to him? This isn’t a blind date. This is you, a miserable speck of creation, being able to bow down before the presence of an almighty, all-powerful, loving and wrathful God. How could you not want to know everything about him, to be in a personal relationship with him?
    But it is more than getting to know about God, its literally getting to know him, and be known by him. Thomas Kelly said ,“practice come first in religion, not theory or dogma. And Christian practice is not exhausted in outward deeds. They are the fruits, not the roots.” The best way to get to know God is to adopt his very character. Become like him, as you were made to be in his image. And do that by learning about him, not just through theology or teachings, but by talking to him. Ask to feel his presence. Just try it, I dare you. “Just as it is fire and not the philosophy or science of that element and its effects that heats; so it is God’s order and his will which sanctify,  and not curious speculations about its origin or purpose.” Jean-Pierre de Caussade, I would argue, makes a very strong point on how to learn about God. But there are other ways to come to know him. Ways that may seem complex at first, but are the most entirely simple things that we were actually made to do. Communicate with God.
    We might take Thomas Kelly’s advice in regard to repeating the psalms inwardly, over and over again, “so panteth my soul after Thee, O God.” Because repeating the same words and phrases over and over again seem to be the only way to get into my thick skull the actual realization of the thickness of my skull in it’s inability to feel a God that is always there. With it being so easy to turn away from him, so it is just as difficult to turn back towards him after so long. Thankfully, its never too late.

Practicing the Presence

      It is very difficult for me to practice the presence of God. How can you talk to someone who isn't there? How can you listen to someone who is nowhere near you? How can you feel someone so far away from your grasp? And, more deeply, why do we even feel the urge to do this? Is it because we are social by nature? Because we were nurtured at a young age to be intimate with others from our parents? Let's look at these questions; they all have to do with someone. Is God just a someone? A corporeal being that you can hang out with, chat with, or shake hands with? God is more than just someone. He is the one, He is all one, He's even three in one.
      This concept, therefore, helps me understand why it is so hard for me to bask in the Lord's presence. I cannot feel Him, hear him, or see him, because he is not someone. And the reason I want to feel His presence is not because I was nurtured by my parents to be close and intimate with others. Oh, how backwards that is. The family is actually only a model of that intimacy and love that God imprinted on humans at creation! We are not taught how to love or long intimacy by our nurtured ways; we practice and yearn for those things because they are part of our very image of God! As I had said earlier, the greatest treachery that Satan has ever accomplished is making us believe he doesn't exist. I would like to retract that statement. There is a cunning plot far deeper and far more sinister which the latter hardly encompasses. I would argue that the greatest treachery that Satan has ever accomplished is making us believed that God is the one who does not exist. Two birds with one stone. If the Creator doesn't exit, the evil creation, therefore, does not and has free roam of the earth.
      Sadly, as I said, it is very hard for me to practice the presence of God. I have fallen into this trap that I see so clearly before me. Like an open pit lined with sharpened stakes and beasts, that I have knowingly fell into for fear of something greater above me. What rescues me from this pit? I can see God-like behavior in human beings all around me. Christians, and all humans, were made in God's image. They have great capabilities to show that to others, even I do. Somehow, I think that's one of the greatest ways to show that there is a God that does exist; and to show that his presence truly is all around us. Working on us, through us, and because of us. Others through me a rope in this hopeless pit, and constantly remind me of the one whom they model his love, compassion, and kindness. The one who actually became man, to show how it was done. Jesus Christ. You cannot deny or ignore the presence of Christ for any extended amount of time.

Our Conflicted Souls, The Greatest Good

    I believe every soul on earth has the ability to do the greatest good. I believe those same exact souls also have the ability to do the greatest evil. Why? Why are our wills so broken? Divided against themselves? Isn’t it common knowledge that a house like that cannot stand? So, why do we still do it? Every soul on earth has the ability of great good or greater evil, but between the two also lies the ability of choice. We must choose to do each of those things. We choose not to kill, steal, lie, cheat. Just as we choose to love and care for one another. Love is a choice. Christ is a choice.
    As Teresa of Avila wrote, “For we fight with devils, and thus, there is no better weapon than the Cross.” The devils inside us, our own indwelling sin, is permeating throughout our entire being even with the power of the Holy Spirit. How frightening, but also how encouraging! Now, we have even more power to do great good! Although, it is very important to keep in mind His will and not your own, to be careful of what part of your soul you are listening to. Teresa of Avila also stated: “You may also make the mistake of thinking that you will be better able to bear your trials if God will only grant you inward consolations. Remember that God knows what is best for you, and that we are incapable of asking for what is best for us.”
    We must be vigilante of Satan within us, befriending us, telling us what we need. It is him! It is our sin at work within us! Wake up! As John Chrysostom said, “If we were suddenly aware of a serpent nestling in our bed, we would go to great lengths to kill it. But when the devil nestles in our souls, we tell ourselves we are in no danger, and thus we lie at ease.” We don’t see his power, we cant tell because he is in us. How deceiving! We think its just us! If we can realize this, and choose the greater good, the risen Christ, than what could ever stop us? Put eloquently by John Chrysostom, “If we do this, not even the devil himself will get the better of us…the devil has no desire for open combat, for he would surely be defeated.” See it, and choose.
  

The Virtuous Life

    Here’s the age old question: what is good? Is good a universal truth, or defined by how you look at it? In other words, is good dependent on the culture, nation, person; or is the human dependent on good? Some people may see lying as good, in the right context. Others may look at abortion and say hey, that’s not too bad of a thing. Still others might look lustfully at one another, thinking it’s perfectly alright. People seem to have different views on what is ok, acceptable, right, virtuous, and good. But this begs the question, is what they see as ok, acceptable, right, virtuous and good really the right thing? Or do they make it so, to themselves, so they may be allowed to do it without any repercussions?
    They see lying as good in the right context as not to hurt that person, to make them look like someone who they really aren’t, or for selfish gains. They might view abortion as right because it would burden them, it would make the child suffer if they had it, it would just cause her problems. They might look at each other lustfully and think it acceptable because it’s only naturally. Besides, they want to get what they want. Why not twist these things into popular culture so everyone may get away with whatever they desire? Why not, instead of bending to goodness, bend goodness to them? It’s a cunning, selfish, evil move, and we have accomplished it through subtle decisions in society ultimately orchestrated by Satan himself.
    Ok, so maybe there is some truth in that. Maybe people are guilty of that. But what is the truth of the lie which we have ensnared ourselves within? It is that goodness is indeed universal, only that it has been skewed, twisted, bent, and manipulated so much by sin that the world now only looks at it as dependant solely upon how you look at it. What a wretched lie we have been fed, and worse yet greedily ingested!
    If we can understand that good is universal, then what universe has it come out of? The answer is, of course, pure goodness. A synonym that could be used to illustrate pure goodness is God Himself. God is the essence of good, it is His character, His nature, His very being! As Gregory of Nyssa said, “The Divine One is himself the Good whose very nature is goodness.”
    In order to be good, completely, wholly good, is not merely to refrain from lying, cheating, lusting, aborting, killing, or hating; nor is it to be nice, friendly, hospitable, or understanding to someone. It’s not even to love someone, in the barest sense of the term. To be good is to follow wholeheartedly the essence of goodness, to follow God! But how do we do this?
    Gregory of Nyssa said “it is also impossible for those who pursue the life of virtue to attain perfection.” Why? Because we are imperfect, sinful, fallen, and easily swayed away from the very definition of what good even is. We are called “therefore to be perfect, just as your heavenly father is perfect.” This seems so daunting! And it is! We have trouble even understanding what good and bad are! The absolute least we can do to fulfill this command is to fight with every shred of strength contained within us. As Gregory of Nyssa explained, “For the perfection of human nature consists perhaps in its very growth in goodness.”
    Cultivating that relationship of goodness, that relationship with God, is how we truly know what is good, and how to attain it. So what is good and virtuous? God. And how do you live goodly, virtuously? Well, live godly, of course. The terms are synonymous, after all.

 Submission

I’m curious, what do you think of when I say submission? Giving up? Appeasement? Defeat? What about weakness? Shame? Second-best? The word submission carries with it so many negative connotations today that it seems as if it has evolved into a completely different word. This is not what submission is, or even truly accurate to what it means, at least not in a Christian sense. It is a very difficult, but entirely crucial, practice of the body. It requires immense discipline, something which I unfortunately do not possess within any stretch of the imagination.
    Yet I try it all the same. Why? Why submit myself to others? Why should I care more about others, putting them above myself so much as to deny myself and submit? Why lower myself? That doesn’t make any logical sense! Right?
    I might answer this with another question. Is God’s love for us logical? I would argue absolutely not. Imagine, the King of the Universe, Author of All Creation, taking time from His heavenly, perfect throne to pay a single moment’s heed to a pitiful, lowly, small, insignificant human. Better yet, imagine we were all bad! That we never listened to Him, always doing the opposite of what He said, angering Him immensely. Imagine, Him still loving us after turning away from Him, cursing and denying His existence or very name. Imagine, He still loved us so much that He would send his son, His own son, to die to save us. Well guess what, you don’t have to imagine it. It’s happened. How does that not sound completely, utterly, undeniably non-logical to you? As one philosopher once said: The heart has reasons, that reason cannot know. Now, I do not mean to trivialize the power of the love of God into a single, succinct quote; but it helps contextualize it for us human beings. Because honestly, His love is unfathomable.
    That is why I attempt to submit myself as best I can to others. First of all, I’m not the center of the universe, contrary to popular belief. I do not deserve anything, I am not worthy of anything. Secondly, if my very God can submit humbly to His own creation, how much more should I do it for Him and to others? The very act of it may not seem logical, but the reasons for doing it are so obvious! But submitting is not logical, it is loving. When you submit, you don’t lose, everyone wins. It is a difficult notion to grasp, I hardly have it myself, but it will only come naturally with much discipline and practice.

Ruminations On Solitude

    Let’s be honest, you’re life isn’t that busy. I know, you have so much going on; school, marriage, bills, driving to work, working, fixing the leak, cleaning the room, homework, depositing the check , feeding the dog, eating, sleeping, watching TV, watching funny videos, playing games, cooking dinner, doing the laundry, talking to your siblings, talking to your mom, catching up with old friends, washing the dishes, mowing the lawn, shoveling the sidewalk, raking, shaving, smoking, drinking, hanging out, grocery shopping, exercising, getting gas, the list is endless, isn’t it?
    WRONG. On the contrary, people have much more time given to them in a day than they realize, even without taking anything away from it! Would the world explode if you reserved ten minutes out of your day to go into solitude instead of catching those crucial last moments of sleep in the morning? Wait just one minute here, did you just say solitude? What do you mean solitude?
    Solitude is a spiritual discipline to enter into God’s presence through prayer and meditation. Does that mean this is the only way to feel His presence? Absolutely not. However, it is a beneficial (and intensely difficult) practice to begin. I, like you, am not good at it. I have tried and failed, horribly mind you, pretty much every time I attempt it. I will admit that freely, and write this as a charge to both you and myself. But why is that? Why do humans fail? As Henri Nouwen put it, “we are bombarded by thousands of thoughts and feelings that emerge from hidden areas of our minds.” This makes us think ‘well this is impossible! I can’t focus on anything! This is just a waste of my time. I could be doing those other things right now instead of pretending to meditate.’
    My reaction to this is simple. Assuming that you love God and are a professing Christian, how dare you, in this good created Earth given to you as a gift, let anything take precedence over God in your life!? Does it not sound utterly ridiculous, put in the correct worldview? This world is not yours. That wallet is not yours. That house is not yours. Those kids are not yours. That time is not yours. That life is not yours! It was all given as a gift, for you to be a steward over. We literally owe everything to God, but only Christ could pay the price. How could you not possibly want to even attempt to be in a relationship with that!?
    Start small, humbly. As Thomas Merton said of meditation, “We do not want to be beginners. But let us be convinced of the fact that we will never be anything else but beginners.” Take the time to enter into that solitude, that meditation. Because, let’s be honest, that time isn’t even really yours in the first place. Give it back. What authority do you have to say you will never hear God, if you never actually try it?

Humility

"If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants." Isaac Newton

    Grasping the concept of humility is very difficult for me. Actually attempting it is a lesson in humility in itself. Why? Because you realize how bad you are at it. At least that is the case with me. Its very humbling. But is it humiliating? No. I so often link humility with humiliation. Sure, they share some of the same root sounds, but they are both completely different. Humiliation is being embarrassed for your actions, with no reinforcement for betterment. Humility is refinement by fire to obtain true greatness.
    Again, these two meanings are something I struggle to find black and white with. With humiliation, you are forced to think less of yourself. You are given your faults for the sole purpose of  being thrown in your face, there is no action that goes with it except humiliation. That is the end product. You are completely humiliated, embarrassed, down-trodden, broken. However, humility is a different story. When you are humbled, you are indeed given those same inner lessons, but it comes with a loving drive to not think less of yourself, but to think of yourself less. Giving instead of taking.
    Pride is the opposite of humility, that is why being humble (or humbled) is so good at shining the spotlight on that hidden monster within. My pride is the arch enemy of my humility. In truth, my pride is a much more cunning and powerful beast than my smaller, humble self. But that is the beauty of humility in itself! Even for seeming so small, it can cause pride to come crumbling down on itself because pride is ultimately self-defeating. Humility is not self-defeating. It never defeats. It may feel like you are being defeated, thinking of yourself less. But the reality is, humility only wins. Every time. Never has humility caused something bad, that’s pride’s job. Humility is the opposite.
    And I am the opposite of humility. I have a prideful spirit, instilled in me my entire life. We think its good to be proud, stubborn. Its now synonymous with being manly, strong, unmovable. How twisted have we become to believe humility is a sign of weakness? I struggle with this constantly. So much more now that it has become so apparent to me in my life. I no longer feel like one person, but as two warring factions, battling beneath my rib cage. The victor claiming the spoils over my tongue and hands. I have not found out how to win, or which one of me will win. Humility wins few battles, but I have found a general with an unbeatable strategy…
    “Do nothing from selfishness or conceit, but in humility count others better than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form he humbled himself and became obedient to death even death on a cross.” Philippians 2: 3-11.
    So pride cannot be won against by more pride or power. The only way to combat it is humility. Goliath was killed by David. Sin by Christ. Satan by God. Pride by Humility. Myself by Myself. And when my pride has finally been defeated, I will not look down at it with pity. I will not say “Finally, I have humbled you creature.” But I will look down  at that defeated, selfish, self-destructive, greedy thing and think oh, how humiliating.

                                   

    This is my testimony. My story. My declaration under the most profound oath I have ever known. Sworn in the truth that has so graciously been revealed to me; a man that was pitiful, meaningless, and all-together non-important in this world through his own eyes. I do not write these words lightly; as with most beliefs, this one most particularly is familiar with struggle and persecution. But it must be told, and not for the sake of myself.
    Something has happened to me. Something that began stirring a few years ago, however this something also lay dormant in my very being since I was a child. I was young when it began, this stirring. I don’t remember how old I was, and quite frankly it doesn’t particularly matter in regards to something of this magnitude. Age is no boundary for this. I remember not being able to sleep one night, my mortal thoughts trying to grasp the concept of infinity. Of myself being infinite, living forever. I don’t know what started the thought, perhaps it was learning about the concept of numbers going on forever in math class. Maybe it was thinking where I would go when I died. I don’t know. All the same, this thought was there. I felt like I had almost grasped this concept, that I could actually somehow imagine what it would be like, and then it would slip from my grasp like trying to grab air. This made me feel sick to my stomach. I wanted to throw up. So you know what I did? I pushed it away. Even so young, my pride was so strong, I did not want to dabble such powerful things that were out of my control. I stilled the stirring, and never let it come up again in spite of myself. Oh, if only someone had told me what it was. If only I had asked so long ago!
    But I didn’t. I went on through school and life and came to meet a young girl who I was quite fond of. She told me about God. I listened, but did not understand. I came to love her, and when we separated, so too did I separate with Him. I hated Him. Even so young, my pride so strong, I refused to come to grips with losing, of coping. So I shoved it all away, or so I thought. I had actually contained it within myself, and it was going nowhere. In fact, it was festering. And this festering wound, never appropriately healed, scabbed over this stirring, and it subsided. But unlike my childhood where the stirring lay dormant; now, in my young adulthood, it fought like a cornered animal. It pulsed within me painfully, and I had no idea what it was. It frightened me. I was more sensitive, yet my heart was still hardened. I felt compassion where I never had before, yet my pride battled with it. I understood love meant sacrificing for others; and I hated it, but I still felt compelled to do it.
    I got into bad things. Things that most teenagers get into but never really get out of. Well, I got out of it. Slowly, and with the help of a different group of friends. Ones that actually cared what you said? It sounded strange to me. But I pursued relationships with them, I knew I had to. It also may have been due to the fact that the girl I loved was also within this sphere of friends, which was an entirely selfish decision. However, I look back now and see that everything happened exactly how it was supposed to be. And for a reason. I started learning about God again, and Christians.
    I don’t remember the exact moment, there were many of them, and they still occur in me to this day. But there was a time when I began learning all these things through reading, talking, and thinking that I finally came to the realization that there indeed was a God. Mind you, I am one of the most skeptical people I know. This took a long time to get through my thick skull. I needed proof in my mind. But the truth was so powerful, so tangible, that proof was no longer needed. I discovered that it negated the very reason of faith. I discovered that I was a sinful, wretched, despicable excuse for a man. That I had been living in opposition in a world designed to be lived in a certain way. I learned that we were made in His image. That the very nature of God was love. It was no longer a feeling. It felt as though a ponderous weight had been lifted off my weary shoulders, yet at the same time I felt so hopeless. I was a sinner, I was no longer in control, and I could not talk, bribe, hide, or earn my way out of it.
     But, God did something for me. For you. He sent down his Son to save the world. Since that truth, that Gospel, has been shown to me, I have clung to it (however sometimes, admittedly, doubtfully) and since I have understood it, I have strived to become a disciple of Jesus Christ. Since then, my life, still full of strife and struggles (even more so now since I am perceived as a great threat to the devil), has been gracefully privileged with new light, hope, understanding, and happiness. I attended Kuyper College, for which this blog is an assignment for in one of my classes. I am marrying the same girl who I have loved since the beginning, Emily. And I am surrendering this stirring, this Holy Spirit,  to take precedence over my whole life.